


How Do You Solve a Problem Like Alpacas?

by Jupiter_Ash



Series: The Tales of Eden Cottage [9]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, POV Outsider, South Downs Cottage (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:40:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25312453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jupiter_Ash/pseuds/Jupiter_Ash
Summary: It was suggested to Crowley and Aziraphale that perhaps they should consider getting an alpaca. They thought this was a brilliant idea.Unfortunately for Pippa, she didn’t.In time frame, crosses over with Angel Space parts 2 and 3.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: The Tales of Eden Cottage [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1434391
Comments: 77
Kudos: 537





	How Do You Solve a Problem Like Alpacas?

**Author's Note:**

> And this is the alpaca fic. Originally I thought it would be about 3K words long, and then it wasn't.
> 
> Big thank you to Kizza for the beta and suggested changes!

According to her dad, there were four main reasons why someone would want an alpaca; for the fleece, for breeding, as an addition to a farm or other animal sanctuary, or as a pet.

According to Pippa, though, the reason for wanting an alpaca was far less important than the, to her mind at least, two _types_ of people who came looking to adopt one. The two types of people were quite simply those who could have an alpaca, and those who definitely should not.

And those who wanted an alpaca as a pet automatically fell into the latter category. She knew this for certain, because that was where the majority of their alpacas came from in the first place; from people who had decided that a pet alpaca sounded fun but who really, really should never have been allowed to be in the same field as one, never mind take them home.

Apparently, alpacas were considered easy to keep. Easy though was a relative term, which meant alpacas had become a sort of designer pet, only to then be dumped on sites like Facebook and Gumtree as the new owners realise that they couldn’t cope with them. A back garden was no place for an alpaca. Even if it was big enough for a single alpaca, no alpaca should be kept by themselves.

“Because you’re all social creatures, aren’t you,” she said as she ruffling her hand through what remained of the recently shorn coat. “Even you Oscar. Yes, you,” she said to the beige alpaca loitering in the corner away from the others. 

“I see you there eyeing up my apples. Yes, I know, I’ll save you some, but it would be so much easier if you actually came over here with the others? No? Okay. It’s okay. Do what you must. Can’t say I blame you. Other people can be mean, but these aren’t like the others at your last place. You’ll have some though, won’t you Benny?”

No alpaca should be kept by themself, but sometimes keeping them with others wasn’t particularly good for them either. 

Poor Oscar, he’d been in a bit of a state when he first came to them, and since then it hadn’t exactly been easy going. From what they had gathered, he had been rather bullied in his last place, especially by the herd lead male, which had left him skittish around other animals. And judging by the way he had screamed whenever they had come close when he had first arrived here, and how he continued to react to other humans, it seemed likely that he’d been a little abused by them too.

It was a shame really, because he was a rather pretty alpaca, his fur an appealing mixture of beige, light brown and cream, but there was no way he was going anywhere. Not the way he was. Which suited her just fine.

Which also brought her back to the sort of people who for some reason thought that an alpaca would make a great pet.

“Like you, Benny, wasn’t it,” she said, ruffling the tuff on the top of the head of the black and reddy-brown relative newcomer. 

Poor Benny had been bred as a dark stud, only for him and his off-spring to come out more browny-red than black, so his stud life over, he had been put up for sale as a guard male. After going through various hands, he had ended up as a pet, where, after the children had lost interest, he’d been isolated and neglected and in desperate need of company of any sort. By the time had had come to them he had been depressed – if an alpaca could get depressed, which Pippa honestly thought they could, regardless of what her dad said about them – underweight and in serious need of some love and attention.

Well, love and attention was something she was good at (where alpacas were concerned at any rate), which meant he was now fatter, healthier, and, oh, sneaky enough that he had somehow managed to steal one of her bags of apple and carrot chunks.

“Oi!” she shouted, but Benny was away and had… dropped the bag by Oscar, spilling the contents.

Now that was interesting. 

What was even more interesting was that Oscar wasn’t hissing and screaming at him for coming too close. Instead he sort of looked at Benny, then looked at the food, then looked back at Benny, and then decided his love for apple chunks outweighed his dislike of other animals, so started to eat.

Very interesting, Pippa thought. Very interesting indeed.

*

After that, Pippa made a point of keeping an extra eye on those two particular individuals. Which was very easy to do, standing out memorably amongst their ever-changing companions. 

Being primarily a rescue and rehabilitation centre, the alpacas didn’t necessarily spend that long with them, but not all of them were suitable for being rehomed, certainly not without a lot of help and support first. Oscar, with his antisocial behaviour and short temper, certainly fell into that category. But that just meant she could spend a lot more time with him than she normally would, particularly once the summer holidays started. With very little else to do, other than fret about the new school she was starting in September, she spent the time with the alpacas and watching Oscar in particular, and it turned out, the only other alpaca he allowed to come near him, Benny.

They were an odd pair, to say the least. Now that he was back amongst others of his own kind, Benny turned out to be quite the social creature, but he also turned out to be the only one that Oscar tolerated. Maybe it was the stolen bag of food that had done it, or maybe something else had happened beforehand that Pippa hadn’t seen. Regardless, after that the two starting spending more time together, or rather Benny started spending time with Oscar and Oscar didn’t scream at him to go away. 

It was definite progress.

And then came the day that Pippa had been dreading.

*

Every alpaca deserved a good home. They had a policy to only allow their rescues to go to homes where they would be loved and cared for. A number of them went to petting farms or similar. Some went to be guard alpaca for sheep or other animals. A few went to be pets, but only if they and the place they were going to were suitable. 

The vast majority of the adoptions worked out well for both the animals and the new owners. Only two had ever been returned to them, and they were very much the exceptions and due to changed circumstances of the adopters, not the alpacas themselves.

They also had one or two who were likely never to be suitable for adoption, either due to age or behaviour. Pippa felt that Oscar was probably in that category.

Benny, though, was a different matter.

So, of course, it was Benny the two odd looking men made a bee line for the day they turned up.

As mentioned earlier, Pippa held the belief that most people who wanted an alpaca as a pet shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near one. And for the most part, Pippa was right about that. Not only that, but she had developed a mental tick list of things about potential owners that told her whether someone should be even allowed _near_ a poor alpaca, let alone allowed to keep one.

The more boxes ticked on her list, the less suitable a potential owner became in her eyes.

These two men ticked all of the boxes. And made her consider creating new ones.

Posh clothing that declared that neither of them were used to working with animals. Tick.

No sign of hair or fur on their clothing either, which meant they also didn’t have any normal pets like a cat or a dog. Tick.

Waistcoat and weird jacket for the fair-haired man, obviously eccentric. Tick.

Skinny jeans and a weird scarf for the other man, obviously trying for trendy. Tick. 

She really didn’t like trendy and or eccentric as those were the two of the types of people most responsible for abandoning alpacas in the first place. The idiots!

What else was there?

They were old. At least as old as her dad, if not older, and old people got alpacas for stupid reasons which included ‘I wanted a change’, ‘thought it would be fun’, and ‘because I could’. And then they dump the alpaca again because they turned out to be harder work than they had expected. So tick, tick, tick.

No children. 

Admittedly this one could go either way. Some people got alpacas thinking the children would love them as pets, then the children got bored of them and they were ignored and neglected. Which was obviously bad.

However, children gave alpacas company, so no children, less opportunity for company. Which was also bad. So they got a tick anyway.

So, lots of ticks. Tick, tick, tick.

As potential adopters went, they were like the worst. She couldn’t believe her father was even entertaining them at all. Even he must have been able to see that they weren’t suitable, and yet here he was, showing them around, giving them his spiel. 

“If ya looking for true pedigree, then you won’t find it here,” she heard him say as he walked the two men toward the edge of the main pen. “These are mainly rescues and they’re rescues for a reason. Most were neglected or abandoned. And if its fleece you’re after, well pure whites are best if you want to dye it, but that makes them expensive and sought after. Most of what we have here are the fawn or brown. A couple are beige. No whites though. Got some darker ones though, if that’s what you’d prefer, but if it’s pure black you’re after, you’re also out of luck.” 

Money, she realised, it was probably about money.

It was always about money in the end.

She bet the men had money and that was the only reason her father was entertaining them. They certainly looked like they had money. Only people with lots of money could afford to be that sort of trendy or that sort of eccentric. 

More money than sense, more ticks.

“This is our main pen,” her dad was saying. “Not all of them are available though. Some are already spoken for.”

Like Apollo and Starbuck* who were going to a petting farm in Dorset, and Thor who was going to a sheep farm in Somerset.

_*She hadn’t named them. They’d come like that. Honestly. After all, who names an alpaca after a coffee chain?_

She followed them to the pen, watching as the alpaca flocked over to see what the eccentric looking man was holding in his hand.*

_*It was a bag of animal feed. It was always a bag of animal feed. They sold them for a pound at the entrance._

To her surprise he didn’t seem alarmed by the sudden attention, or by the eagerness the animals showed towards the food he held. Rather, he just laughed and told them how clever and pretty they were.*

 _*Admittedly they were clever and pretty, so he was at least right about that._

Then the moment of utter awfulness happened. Realising there was food and entertainment, Benny, who had up until that time been amusing himself in another part of the field, decided that this was a good time to trot over, at which point Mr. Eccentric perked up even more.

“Oh my, who is this handsome fellow?” Mr. Eccentric asked with unprecedented delight. “Oh Crowley, dear, you have to see this one. Isn’t he lovely? Such a beautiful colour. And look, he looks just like you.”

Mr. Eccentric was alarmingly right about that. Now that he had pointed it out, even Pippa couldn’t deny the similarities between the skinny man in black with the red hair and the reddy-brown alpaca with the black trim. They even had similar facial expressions if the way they were regarding each other was anything to go by.

“And his coat is just so lovely and so soft. I’m sure it would make the most perfect scarf for you. And gloves as well.”

Oh, he was the artsy type. More ticks. She should have guessed. He was the type who wanted an alpaca for the wool and would therefore probably lose interest in the other months. If she didn’t already dislike them before, she certainly disliked them now.

“Good sir,” Mr. Eccentric called, somehow not just dressing like a character in that old play they had done at school, but sounding like one as well, “is this fine creature spoken for?”

“Not yet,” her father said after a slight pause and pointedly not looking in her direction.

“And does he have a name?” 

“Aye.” Another pause. “He’s currently known as Benny, although his pedigree papers have him down as Bentley.”

“Bentley!”

Pippa as positively sure she had never seen a pair of eyes go was wide as this man’s did.

“Oh, my, Crowley, we simply _must_ have this dear one. It’s almost as if he’s meant for us.”

That was definitely not what Pippa wanted to hear. In fact, that was the _last_ thing she wanted to hear. While she knew that Benny would have to be rehomed at some point, she didn’t want it to be so soon and she certainly didn’t want it to be to be people like this.

Maybe she would get lucky, maybe the other guy would object, especially since Benny looked so much like him, but to her horror, the trendy guy didn’t object, just reached out to stroke the alpaca. To Benny’s credit, he also didn’t object, just let himself be petted by both the men. 

“If he’s the one you want, angel,” Mr. Trendy said. 

He was even annoyingly relaxed about it, as if it didn’t matter all that much to him.

“Oh, I do,” Mr. Eccentric said as he continued to stroke at Benny’s head. “He’s perfect, aren’t you, dear boy. Yes, you are, you magnificent creature.” 

Honestly, it was all a bit much, what with his words and his stroking, but Benny – the little traitor – was clearly thoroughly enjoying the attention.

Pippa, though, had had enough. This was Benny, _her_ Benny. She wasn’t going to let him go to just anyone, and certainly not to be people like _them_ , who would care for him for a while, then lose interest and just abandon him to loneliness and misery. 

No, definitely not.

Not again.

“Dad,” she hissed, tugging on his jumper to make sure she had his attention. “You can’t let them take him. You know Benny doesn’t like being alone. Remember what happened at his last place.”

“Aye, that’s true,” her dad said, just as Mr. Eccentric asked, “What happened at his last place?”

The two men were looking at her now, Mr. Eccentric even looked concerned, as if he cared. Well, good, if he was concerned that Benny might be damaged goods then he might be less willing to take him.

“Well, they’re social creatures, they are, alpacas,” her dad said slowly, but not before giving her a look. “Better kept together. Herds are best, but they do alright in a two or three if they get on. Poor Benny here though, his last place had him as a pet. Had him tied up all alone in the back garden, no others with him, and then the children lost interest so they didn’t even go out and pet him neither. Lonely he was. Underfed. Under loved. Neglected all told. Took a while to get the weight back on, but he’s better now. Pip’s right though, he can’t be having that again. If you want him, you’ll have to be getting him a companion like.”

The two men looked at each other, Mr. Eccentric giving a much too bright-eyed hopeful look at Mr. Trendy, who in turn just shrugged as if yet again it didn’t really matter to him. 

The cheek! Of course it mattered. They were talking about taking away Benny. _Her_ Benny. But more importantly, _Oscar’s_ Benny. Oscar’s only friend. That was just rude.

“Uh, would he need a companion of the female persuasion?” Mr. Eccentric asked in a ridiculous way. “Or would another male suffice?”

“Would have to be another male,” her dad confirmed. “Can’t keep male and females together or they fight. These are all male at the moment, so why not have a look at the others. See if there’s another one you might like the look of.”

“Dad!” Pippa protested again as the two men started to wander further down the fencing, because now he was just making it worse. “How could you!”

He shot her a look that said ‘not here, not now’.

“But, Dad! Not Benny!”

Her dad just shrugged. “Gotta go at some point,” he said. “He’s healthy, proper weight again, was only a matter of time.”

“But, Dad!”

“Told you,” he said firmly. “You’re spending too much time with them, Pip. You’re getting too attached.”

Attached, maybe, it was always hard to see them go, some harder than others, but he was missing the point. The point being that it wasn’t her who was getting attached.

“But, Dad, _Oscar_. You know Benny’s the only one Oscar tolerates.”

“Aye, that’s true,” her dad acknowledged, “but it is what it is. Benny has to go at some point. Better now than later.”

“But, Dad, he’s Oscar’s only friend.”

She was not going to cry. She was not!

Her dad just shrugged again.

No, this was not fair. It really wasn’t fair. It was totally and utterly-

“Excuse me, young lady.”

She looked up in horror to find Mr. Eccentric now only a few paces away from her, and he had the most annoying kind look on his face.

“I apologise to have overheard some of your conversation, but do I understand correctly that this delightful creature has a particular friend? An individual named Oscar?”

She nodded mutely.

“And that you are concerned about separating the pair of them?”

She nodded again.

“Would this Oscar, by any chance, also be available for adoption?”

What?

Oh no!

No!

Definitely not!

Although, maybe if they saw how much Oscar needed Benny they would leave Benny alone.

“Well,” her dad said slowly. “Oscar’s sort of a special case, he is,” he said. “He’s-”

They were interrupted by a high-pitched scream as, in a moment of dramatic irony, Oscar decided to make his presence and views volubly known after some of the other alpacas decided to get too close to him.

“Well, that’s him,” her dad continued. 

They all watched as Oscar took off across the pen away from the other alpacas and came to a stop further down the fence. Whatever had spooked him, he was obviously very angry about it and not shy at expressing it.

“Oh,” Mr. Eccentric said. “Yes, I see what you mean. The poor dear does seem a little perturbed.”

“We think he was rather bullied at his last place,” her dad said. “Come a long way, but still not the most social.”

“Oh, the poor dear,” Mr. Eccentric said. “Must have been dreadful for him. And you say Benny’s the only one he tolerates?”

“Aye.”

“Oh, well then, we should go and introduce ourselves.”

What?

No, seriously, what?

Pippa could only stare in horror as Mr. Eccentric carefully made his way along to fence towards where Oscar now was. There was no way that this was going to turn out well. But then if anyone was going to put someone off from owning an alpaca, it was Oscar.

So maybe it _would_ work out right overall.

Mr. Eccentric was certainly giving it his best shot, approaching carefully while constantly saying how lovely Oscar was, how handsome and brave, and-

And then Oscar reared back, rolled back his lips, and - quite firmly and definitely nosily - disagreed, before shooting off further away from everyone, human and alpaca. 

“Well, there’s no need for that, young man,” Mr. Eccentric said, obviously rather put out by the reaction. “That was honestly quite rude.”

Oscar obviously didn’t care, but the other man, Mr. Trendy, seemed to find the whole thing hilarious.

“I don’t see what you’re laughing about,” Mr. Eccentric said. “I don’t see you making friends with him.”

Mr. Trendy just shrugged and then sort of sauntering off away from them and towards Oscar who was eyed him cautiously. Obviously, this was just going to go as well as the last attempt. Oscar barely even tolerated her going towards him, let alone a stranger, and-

She frowned as Mr. Trendy got within a few paces of Oscar and then stopped. Lowering his sunglasses, he seemed to get into some sort of a staring match with the alpaca, then Oscar took a small step back, and grinning, Mr. Trendy replaced his sunglasses and then held something out. He didn’t move to touch Oscar or anything, just had something in his hand in offering.

Oscar looked at Mr. Trendy, then looked at the offering, then looked at Mr. Trendy, then at the offering, and then-

Then Oscar took whatever it was in his mouth and crunched down on it, all the while staring back at Mr. Trendy as if daring him to do something.

Mr. Trendy did nothing, just grinned and then after a bit sauntered back towards them as if nothing had happened.

“See, nothing to it, angel,” he said. “You just have to have the right touch.”

“Did you _do_ something to the poor dear?” Mr. Eccentric asked, an almost worried look on his face. 

“Of course not,” Mr. Trendy said. “Just used to dealing with fussy bastards is all.”

“Crowley. Really!”

But Mr. Eccentric didn’t seem nearly as put out by the as Pippa might have thought he would be. Then the two men were back with them.

“Right, so, we’ll take them both,” Mr. Trendy said.

What? Pippa thought in shock.

“What?” she actually exclaimed unable to hold it in.

“Oh, Crowley, thank you,” Mr. Eccentric said, his look of delight the mirror opposite of what Pippa figured her expression was.

“Dad!” she exclaimed helplessly.

“We don’t do refunds,” her dad said slowly. “But we would take them back if it turns out they’re trouble. It would be both or neither though.”

“Dad!”

“I’m sure it wouldn’t come to that,” Mr. Eccentric exclaimed. 

“Dad!”

“And I won’t sell them to you right now,” her dad continued. “You want them, you come back and become better acquainted with them.”

“Dad!”

“I won’t sell them to anyone else in the meantime, but I need to know you’re serious about them.”

“Completely understandable,” Mr. Eccentric said.

“Dad!”

“And I will need to know they’re going to a suitable place.”

“Of course,” Mr. Eccentric said.

“Dad!”

Her father stopped, looked at her for a moment, seemed to consider something, then sighed as if he had come to some sort of decision.

“Let’s discuss it inside,” he said, then he was striding off, the two strangers following behind.

No! No, no, no! This wasn’t happening. This _couldn’t_ be happening.

Helpless, Pippa turned back to where Oscar was now animatedly telling Benny something. It was just so _frustrating_. 

*

It was just so unfair!

If you were going to be all rational about it then Benny and Oscar going to the same place was a good thing. Apparently. At least it was according to what Pippa’s father had said quietly after the men had left. However rational thinking didn’t help one iota with the fact that the whole thing simply wasn’t fair!

How dare those two clearly unsuitable strangers come in here and then want to take away these two in particular? Of all the alpacas they had, Oscar and Benny deserved to go to a good home, where they would be loved and looked after, not abandoned and neglected once the excitement of owning a walking fleece wore off. Trendy, eccentric people were the worst type of owners. It was all about image or popularity with them. Poor Oscar and Benny. They didn’t deserve to be some, some old person’s mid-life crafting crisis.

Worse though was the fact that her dad was simply not seeing her point of view.

Apparently she shouldn’t judge people by their appearances, so he told her. Adding that if the two men did decide to go through with the adoption then he was sure the alpacas would be well looked after. And anyway, Benny was always going to be adopted at some point, and if he took Oscar with him, then all the better.

Urgh, it was still all so wrong. And all so unfair.

Still, at least her dad had insisted that the two men come back and get to know Oscar and Benny properly before the adoption was finalised. Hopefully they would then see how not straight forward owning an alpaca would be, and doubly so for these alpaca in particular. Then they would have to change their minds.

Except they did not change their minds.

In fact every visit from Mr. Eccentric and Mr. Trendy just seemed to make things worse.

Their first return visit was about five days later and Pippa’s heart sank when she recognised their familiar, but ridiculous, clothing. A small part of her had hoped that they would have already changed their minds, but apparently not. And now they were back to steal away her friends.

Worse though, was the fact that Oscar and Benny weren’t helping matters. In fact, the moment Benny spotted them, he trotted straight over, all big eyes and innocent expression. This of course led to lots of stroking and scratching and being told just what a handsome boy he was, yes he was, so handsome and clever and fine.*

_*This was from Mr. Eccentric who was obviously still very taken with the alpaca version of his partner. Which would have been seriously weird if he wasn’t so sincere about it all._

Mr. Trendy petted Benny as well, but after a while wandered off with another victim obviously in mind. 

Well Oscar wasn’t as easy as all that. Oscar wasn’t the type to fall for reaching fingers and honeyed words. He was far more wary than that, especially of strangers, he wasn’t just about to go and-

Well it turned out that Oscar _was_ as easy as that. Or something at least, as rather than running away screaming from Mr. Trendy who had dared to walk towards him, Oscar had stood there just looking at him, until Mr. Trendy stopped and they just looked at each other across the pen. 

It was another weird staring contest, and Oscar clearly remembered who the stranger was, because for some explicable reason when Mr. Trendy held something out in his hand, Oscar didn’t protest. Rather, he looked at it, looked at the man, looked at the hand, looked at the man, and then slowly trotted over. 

The man slowly moved his hand out further, and then Oscar was grabbing whatever it was the man was holding and then backed away a few paces.

Mr. Trendy merely grinned. Then he pulled out another offering and held it out.

Oscar hesitated, considered and then grabbed that offering too before again retreating.

This happened twice more, until Mr. Trendy was obvious out of whatever it was he was offering, and then with an acknowledging nod, he turned and made his way back to where Mr. Eccentric was now the centre of attention for most of the other alpacas.

The two men stayed for another twenty minutes or so, and then they were gone.

Good.

But then they came back a few days later and it was the same thing again. They were even still wearing the same ridiculous clothing. Mr. Eccentric would spend lots of time fussing over Benny and some of the other alpacas, while Mr. Trendy would wander off to interact with Oscar alone.

And Oscar – the traitor – didn’t even kick up a fuss about it. In fact, he almost seemed to like it.

Then came the day when Mr. Trendy took Mr. Eccentric with him when he went to see Oscar. For a brief moment Pippa thought there would be trouble, there was certainly some sort of standoff as Oscar watched Mr. Eccentric with all the signs of being ready to bolt if necessary, but then he didn’t bolt, and before Pippa knew it, Oscar was accepting something from Mr. Eccentric’s hand and that, Pippa realised with a sinking heart, meant that that was probably it.

“I don’t understand,” she said to Benny as she straightened out his coat that evening. “I can sort of understand _you_ liking them. You like the fussing and the interaction and Mr. Eccentric certainly knows how to make you happy, but _you_ Oscar,” she continued, motioning to the second alpaca who was loitering nearby, “you don’t like anyone, and yet you’re not only allowing them near you, you’re taking food from them. You barely even do that with me.”

Which was one of the other annoying things. Oscar’s behaviour had actually improved over the past few weeks. He was lashing out less at the other alpacas, and he had even allowed her to feed and stroke him, for a little while at least. She refused to consider though that it might have had something to do with the two men who kept visiting.

“I don’t know why, or why them in particular, but you actually properly like them both, don’t you?” she said. Then added mournfully, “I wish you didn’t, though.”

*

Despite her hopes and protests, it all disappointedly came to nothing in the end. At least for her.

She had lost, Oscar and Benny were to go, and they were to go to the two still, regardless of what anyone else said, unsuitable men.

“I hope they’re at least good to you,” she said as she offered the alpacas a last night treat. “And that they don’t start to neglect you just because they lose interest. Or if they do, I hope they do it quickly so you can come back here before you get too hurt.”

She couldn’t bear it if they ended up even worse than they had been when they had first arrived here. She had worked so hard to get them happy and well again, she would hate for them to be miserable again, or sick, or even just simply lonely.

“You deserve all the love and attention,” she said. “You do. Yes, you do.” 

Then the day came for them to go and Pippa told her dad in unarguable terms that she was going to go with them.

“I need to see where they’re going!” she told him quite firmly. “I need to know they’re going to be safe and loved.”

She didn’t normally go with him to drop the alpacas off at their new home, choosing instead to say goodbye to them on their little farm, but this time was different. Oscar and Benny were different.

Fortunately her dad didn’t argue with her, just nodded and told her to jump in. So once she had helped him load the two alpacas into the trailer, she did, before he could change his mind.

It was a bit of a drive to West Sussex, but all too soon they were pulling into a pretty little village with a sign saying Little Aven.

She hated it immediately. 

She then hated the house they pulled up next to even more.

It was just so… pretty.

So perfect.

So awful!

Benny and Oscar were going to love it!

They had barely pulled over before Mr. Eccentric was coming out of the house to greet them, and Mr. Trendy was coming towards them from the garden. Mr. Eccentric was looking so happy and enthusiastic that Pippa was actually starting to feel a little bad that she didn’t want to like them, and Mr. Trendy was looking at the trailer carefully as if he cared about the two alpaca inside.

“Oh thank you for bringing them all this way,” Mr. Eccentric was saying. “I hope your journey wasn’t too arduous. Would you care for any refreshments? We have various teas and coffees, also cold drinks and-”

“Let’s perhaps get the alpaca out and settled first, angel,” Mr. Trendy said gently.

“Oh my, yes of course.”

Transferring alpaca from one place to another could sometimes be problematic, but fortunately for all involved, neither Oscar nor Benny put up much of a protest, and were reasonably well behaved as they were led around the side of the house and then down into the garden, which was even bigger than Pippa had first though. It was also clearly divided into sections. The nearest area, by the house, was really pretty, with lots of flowering plants and bushes, including lavender and roses. Then there was a lawn, which was neat and tidy, with more plants in beds by the edges. There was also a lovely looking garden table with matching chairs and a parasol. She could actually imagine Oscar and Benny chasing each other around the table, although she wondered if they would even actually be allowed to.

Maybe it wouldn’t matter though, she thought, but it was pretty obvious that the end of the garden was where they were going to go. It was like the complete opposite of the first part of the garden. Where the front garden was all tidy and everything was in its place, the end of the garden was all overgrown, all long grass and wild bushes and even what appeared to be some fruit trees. There was also a fence, obviously new in appearance, which divided the garden in two, and in the second half there was also a fancy looking wooden shelter against one wall, just the right size for a pair of alpacas.

So this was to be Oscar and Benny’s new home. 

It actually looked alright. Plenty of room for them to wander round in, and, at the moment at least, plenty of things to munch down on.

Mr. Trendy opened the gate and then the alpaca were being led inside.

“Your new home,” Mr. Trendy suddenly said, talking directly to the alpaca. “Eat what you like, but not the fruit trees. Be careful of them. They have fences round them for a reason. If I find those fences broken then you better have a darn good reason.” 

He wagged a finger in their direction. 

To Pippa’s surprise, the alpaca merely snorted as if they understood him. 

“The shed is all yours. There will be hay, water and, provided you haven’t been particularly naughty, little treats. If you have a problem, don’t be afraid to tell me. Angel here also wants to get crafty with your wool once you don’t need it anymore, so we’re going to look after ourselves, aren’t we? And we’re going to behave, because that was the deal, wasn’t it? Behaving also means more treats. It also means you’ll get to meet Joshua, and Joshua is looking forward to meeting you. So do not disappoint him. Be nice. Angel is looking forward to fussing over you, and trust me he’s very good at fussing.”

Mr. Trendy grinned at that. Benny in particular seemed enthused by the prospect, looking in the direction of Mr. Eccentric as if he really did understand what he was being told. 

“Now, you have both been very good today, so as promised-”

He held out his hands.

Apples! That’s what he had been feeding them. Apples! 

She should have known!

Apparently, Oscar and Benny did know, because suddenly they were snatching the apples from Mr. Trendy’s hands and looking for all the world like they were the best apples ever.

“Alright, alright,” Mr. Trendy said, his tone light. “Off you go then.”

And the two alpaca were off, chomping on their apples as they went to explore their new home. 

She turned to stare accusingly at Mr. Trendy. “So that’s your secret. You’ve been bribing them! With apples!”

Mr. Trendy just grinned before tossing her an apple too.

“Yup,” he said. “I’m good with apples.”

They stayed for refreshments. There was homemade apple juice which was surprisingly nice. 

Mr. Eccentric did most of the talking. He also seemed surprisingly nice.

Although nice did not necessarily mean good with an alpaca.

Although, as much as it pained her to admit it, he did seem pretty good with the alpacas as well. 

It wasn’t fair!

All too soon though it was time to say a final goodbye.

As much as she hated to admit it, when she went down to see them, Oscar and Benny both looked happy. She watched for a while as they trotted around their new enclosure, pausing to chomp down on the long grass, making happy noises when they discovered something new. Without any other alpacas around, Oscar even looked the most relaxed she had ever seen him. That was… that was good. 

But it meant they were happy without her, and that felt less good. 

“I’m going to miss you,” she told them, when on noticing she was there, first Benny, then Oscar came over to see her. “You look after yourselves, you hear,” she said, scratching at their heads. “And you look after each other. That’s what friends do, look after each other. And as much as I hate to admit it, I think this place might actually be good for you both. Provided Mr. Eccentric and Mr. Trendy look after you properly.”

“We’ll look after them properly,” she heard Mr. Trendy say, much to her horror that not only had he overheard her, but he’s also heard the names she had been calling them in her head. That couldn’t be a good thing. Adults tended to not like it when you called them names, regardless of how much they deserved it.

Mr. Trendy didn’t look annoyed though, he was smiling, and then his voice did that ‘I’m being serious and I want you to trust me’ thing as he continued to speak.

“I know you don’t like that we’re taking them away from you,” he said, “but we _will_ look after them, and for what it’s worth, you have my word on that.”

They better look after them, she thought.

And then it was finally time for them to leave, not just to say goodbye.

“I’m sure they’re going to miss you too, Pip,” her dad said, and then he was making her walk back up the garden, back to the house and then to where they had parked. 

“Miss Pippa,” Mr. Eccentric said, stopping her before they left. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but we noticed from the paperwork that Oscar’s not his original name.”

She glanced at her dad before reluctantly shaking her head. 

“Well, while I completely understand about the whole name changing thing,” he continued. “Fresh start and all of that. I’m just curious as to why you picked Oscar.”

She shrugged. “Just thought it suited him,” she said.

Mr. Eccentric smiled warmly. “That it does,” he said. “And it’s such a lovely name-”

“And because of how he was when he first came to us,” she continued.

“Oh?” the man said.

“Yeah. Oscar,” she said, “like the writer we did in school. ‘Cause when he came to us, he was totally wild.”

It had been a bit of a joke of hers at the time, but that didn’t account for why Mr. Trendy threw his head back and laughed as if it was the best joke in the world.

Sometimes adults were just weird.

It even seemed to make Mr. Eccentric surprisingly happy.

“Oh, my dear,” he said, “such an utterly wonderful choice. Thank you. You have been such a fine friend to them. May you be blessed with equally good friends at your new school.” 

Wait… what?

How had he known she was about to start a new school? That she was worried about making friends? That the reason she had spent so much time with the alpacas was because she hadn’t had anyone else to spend that time with?

She looked helplessly at her dad, who merely gave her a shrug.

“Gently, angel,” she heard Mr. Trendy say in a low voice, and then Mr. Eccentric was taking a small step back. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry, my dear,” he said. “Sometimes I forget myself.” 

It was a weird thing to say, but then he was an adult, and eccentric, and a bit weird, but as long as he and Mr. Trendy looked after Oscar and Benny properly, then maybe, just maybe, they were alright. 

*

**Author's Note:**

> Big thank you to anyone who has commented on any of my stories. So much appreciated. I hope this tale brings a bit of light relief during this time.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] How Do You Solve a Problem Like Alpacas?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26634652) by [Djapchan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Djapchan/pseuds/Djapchan)




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